Why am I Distracted During Sex? Why you can't focus and how you can learn to enjoy sex more

Sex is an ever-present part of our lives. So are our ever-lengthening to-do lists. You live in a day and area where distractions never leave your side while trying to balance everything we're taught to do. Of course, eating healthy, spending time with loved ones, and keeping a tidy home are all crucial for your mental health, but what happens when those things follow you into the bedroom?

When you've got a never-ending to-do list running around, it's no wonder why you can't focus during intimacy.

But what's the real reason why you get distracted during sex?

It's not your fault.

You can also make simple changes so you can learn to focus more.

Sex with yourself and with your partner is essential. Sex produces tons of feel-good endorphins that can help bond you to a partner and increase feelings of intimacy with yourself. So if we know they're important, why can't we put all our attention on them? 

Why am I Distracted During Sex?

The human attention span can only hold so much. As natural hunters and gatherers, it's part of our DNA to be able to pay attention to multiple things at a time. That's how our ancestors stayed alive during genuine threats. That's how they kept themselves safe.

The harsh reality is that our brains haven't changed at all since our cave-dwelling ancestors' time. As much as we'd like to think otherwise, we struggle to maintain focus on one single thing without analysing our environment for potential threats. 

But, there aren't as many life-or-death threats all around us now. We're in the comfort of our homes, in our bedroom, and safe with someone we care about. So why can't we focus on the very pleasurable action that's happening?

Why Should I be More Focused During Sex?

Focus is critical during intimate moments with your partner. Not just for the sake of your relationship but for your pleasure as well. 

When you can shut off distraction and focus on the sensations in your body, you'll have a more effortless orgasmic experience, allowing you to connect with your partner.

Minimizing distraction in the bedroom also makes it a space and time more conducive to laughter, emotional intimacy, and relationship development. Rushing through sex takes away a lot of its magic and pulls away from what you could be experiencing by taking your mind elsewhere.

Think about it: how does the meal turn out when you're cooking if you've got something distracting you? Do you get the desired result if you're working on a spreadsheet and someone is talking to you? 

Incredibly unlikely. 

So, try honing your focus on your intimate experience, and you may notice that your sexual difficulties fall away. 

Simple Fixes for More Focused Sex

There's no clear answer to why you are distracted during sex with your partner. But there are many influential factors that you should consider that could be impacting your sex life. 

When you're constantly surrounded by things you're "supposed" to be doing, how can you narrow your mind and enjoy the moment?

The truth is we're living lives that aren't conducive to focusing on intimacy. Take a look at your life. Consider if any of these things are impacting your ability to focus on sex with your partner:

Where's your phone?

Our phones and social media applications are designed to hold our attention for as long as possible. They're always within arm's reach of a cheap shot of dopamine to make us feel connected to our social circle. 

In reality, your phone has trained you to be unfocused. Your phone is teaching you to multitask, to pull you away from the world in front of you and seek out the cheapest and most accessible form of feel-good neurochemicals. 

Solution:

If you're going to be intimate with your partner that evening, agree to put your phones in another room. Don't touch or interact with them for at least 30 minutes before having sex. Better yet, turn them the hell off! There's no reason you need to check your phone mid-oral, and your phone will be there afterwards, so keep it out of the bedroom. 

How's your environment?

Your bedroom should be used exclusively for sleep and sex. The space around you is critical for influencing your ability to be productive or relax. Science has shown that when you use your bedroom for other things such as work or exercise, your brain associates those visual cues with being productive. 

An ideal bedroom is a calming one. Free from clutter, free from conflict (if possible), it should be an almost sacred space used exclusively for sleeping and sex. 

Solution:

You've likely been using your bedroom for a lot of different purposes. But if that's impacting your sex life, it's time to change the energy. Spend time alone or with your partner, turning it into a positive and calming environment. Keep the clutter to a minimum, move the furniture around, get an easy-to-use speaker for your sex playlist, and some calming aroma therapy. 

Minimize sex distractions by transforming your bedroom into a calming, sexy oasis.

How are your compartmentalization skills?

Of course, compartmentalization or the ability to focus on a single feeling or task at a time, can be challenging. With children running around, dishes in the sink, and work on the mind, it can be hard to shut off parts of your brain. 

But, it is worth trying. Everyone uses techniques to help them focus on the task at hand. Maybe that's listening to music, making a to-do list, or whatever works for you. Figure out what you must do to stop pulling your focus in different directions.

Solution:

Figure out what works for you and do it! It will take some trial and error but figure out what you need to do to help you focus on your pleasure experience and do it! You can brainstorm different ways you and your partner can help you turn off distracting parts of your mind to enhance the sex you have. 

3 Ways to Improve Your Focus During Sex

Not everything works for everybody. So we've come up with a few sexologist-approved ways to help you learn to focus during sex. Try one, try them all and see what lands best with you each time you want to be intimate. Every day is different, and thus your approach can be too.

Meditate

Meditation has been used for centuries to hone your ability to focus on one thing at a time. But many people have false connotations or beliefs around meditation that make it unappealing. Mindfulness meditation is a specific type that teaches you to silence your mind and focus on one thing at any given time. You don't have to clear your mind. Instead, practice focusing on things like your breath, the sensations in your fingers, or even noises outside. Doing this for just five minutes a day, a few days a week, will help you build your ability to shut off other parts of your brain and focus on your pleasure experience. 

Create a pre-sex ritual

Human beings desire rituals. It's become ingrained in our lives so profoundly that you likely have countless rituals and don't even know it. 

Maybe it's the act of having your first sip of coffee in a quiet place or setting your alarm and taking a few deep breaths before bed. These little repetitive acts are rituals. So why not have a pre-sex ritual to help you get in the mood?

As we discussed, maybe it's spending ten minutes cleaning your bedroom, turning on a playlist and lighting a particular candle. Whatever you end up helping gets you excited and trained to anticipate pleasure. Doing this will help you narrow your focus and enjoy your sexy time more and more. 

Schedule sex

Yes, scheduling doesn't sound sexy to most. But the reality is that spontaneous sex doesn't happen all that often.

When you set aside time for sex with yourself or your partner, you're making it a priority.

It gives you time to get excited and plan what you want to do in bed that night. It also allows you the space you need to clear off your to-do list so you can focus on the moment.

Are you getting down and dirty at 8 pm on a Wednesday? Order delivery for dinner to minimize cleaning, watch a rom-com, and turn off your phone.

Doing all these things not only creates a ritual in your love life, but it shows your partner that your sex life together is an absolute priority for you.

Sex is Important

It's not just something on your to-do list.

It increases your bond with your partner and your bond with yourself. So if you want sex to be a priority and learn to focus on pleasure, you need something to get excited about. 

At Funtasia, we offer countless tools and activities to help get you excited about love-making again.

You can try a new flavoured lube for oral, a sexy couples board game, or even a little role-playing to make the occasion memorable.

Experimentation is the basis of human enjoyment. So start experimenting today with our endless collections of vibrators, costumes, and novelties to start helping you focus on sex.

Get out there, Get in there, and Get off there!

Elaine S. Turner

Resident Sexologist | Sex, Dating, & Relationship Coach | Pleasure Product Expert

www.SexWithElaine.com

@SexWithElaine