What’s the biggest dildo you have? And where the F*ck do they go?

What's the biggest dildo you have?

 

Literally the number one question asked by annoying children who prank call the shop. I’m not sure if there was a meeting to establish this as the universal opening line, or if the youth are all just severely lacking in creativity, but I truly cannot overstate how often everyone who works at a sex shop has heard this. 

The answer I always give before hanging up is: “the one I used on your mum last night.” But there is of course an actual answer: 

In terms of length our biggest contenders are currently 18 inches. These flexible double ended options are fabulous and give you a lot of creative opportunities. They are however somewhat lacking in relative girth.

Now if you wanna talk GIRTH the RealRock Extra Thick options *really* live up to their name.  It's kinda hard to tell by the picture but these guys are 8 cm wide which is thicker than the average drink can.

While they’re not dildos in the most traditional sense, silicone fist feels fitting to be included on this list. Usually they start at 12 inches and go up from there. 

Human shaped not your vibe? Well you’re in luck — most of the monster/alien dildos are distinctly big. The Alien Nation - Expandor, as the name suggests expands once inserted, making you be able to control the size.

Regarding Anatomy: The Vagina

“But where does that even fit?” I hear you ask dear reader. Exactly where you’d think.“But there's a limit to what you can fit in the vagina! Doesn’t the cervix stop stuff?” This is true but let me introduce you to a lesser known aspect of vaginal anatomy:the vaginal fornices. If the vaginal canal is a tunnel that meets the narrowest part of the uterus (the cervix) the fornices are the spaces in the vagina that are created on either side of the cervix. There are two: the anterior forenix and posterior forenix. 

These pockets are very flexible. During penetration this is where big stuff ends up. The anterior and posterior fornices are easiest to reach in different positions. For the anterior space aiming forward like in missionary is the most comfortable, and the posterior aiming backwards in positions like doggy. The posterior forenix is deeper than the anterior so if you’re aiming to get the biggest thing you possibly can in your vagina, aim up and back rather than head on directly into the cervix.  

It's also worth keeping in mind that every vagina is a bit different and a person's hormonal cycle can influence how everything is aligned. So if in doubt go slow, use lube and experiment with angles. 

Regarding Anatomy: The Butt

Back door? The world truly is your oyster. Buttholes are not unlike earlobes; in that you can stretch them. But much like you wouldn’t try and shove big ear gauges into a virgin ear piercing you wouldn’t go from no anal adventures straight to a Bad Dragon.

In terms of actual internal real estate though, where are things going during anal sex? 

If you’re really going for gold and aiming for something with a lot of length to it (Think arms, long probes, tentacles etc) or anything significantly longer than the average length of a rectum (12-15 cm) then we’re getting into second sphincter taking a sharp turn into colon territory. With patience, practice and sooo much lube you can also penetrate that one into the sigmoid colon and beyond Which can fit a LOT. There's not as many nerve endings that deep, so the sensation most people are really looking for there is that heavy/full feeling.

If you are planning on going that far, that does typically require a more intensive clean up process prior to getting it on. Let us know if you want a breakdown of standard vs heavy duty douching. 

How Big Can You Go?

There's no real way of knowing definitively what THE biggest thing anyone can safely fit inside any of their holes is because every hole is different — and isn’t that just the beauty of being human. 

Now it would not be a blog post about putting stuff inside you without discussing people getting stuff lost. Say it with me, reader: ✨flared bases✨. Wherever possible; only fully insert toys that (ideally) have a base that is wider than the thickest part of the toy. And even then that's not necessarily fool proof if the shape of the object gets caught inside you.

 

The internet is littered with X-rays of impressively big objects that people have lost their grip on and lost inside themselves.But won’t it just come out the way stuff normally comes out of that hole? Not always. Often with bigger toys in particular the toy gets stuck up behind your pelvis which can be extremely difficult to get out. Sometimes toys can be persuaded out by medical professionals with some patience but worst case scenarios it can involve major surgery. Which is a greater price than I am willing to pay for a good wank. So be mindful of that and use stuff you can keep a good grip on or that you are confident you can fish out if the need arises.

This 50 year old man had to go to the Emergency room after having a 5 pound weight in his rectum for over 4 hours 

Sometimes even things that are designed to go in people are put in too far, such as this dildo which a 68 year old man had to have surgically removed. 

 

I'm not saying don't putt stuff inside you - I'm just saying be mindful. 

 

Go forth Size Queens xx 

Funtasia Sexpert 

Verin