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Dearest Gentle Reader,
Allow me to introduce you to some of my favourite extracts of historical love letters*, some of which are downright dirty! I could also do so many more, there are enough dirty notes scrawled onto the walls of Pompeii to fill a book (I know this because I have that book)
Starting with the earliest we have Napoleon Bonaparte, forever in my heart the guy from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, penned many raunchy letters to his wife Josephine.
Literally just a few days later he wrote another letter calling her an awful slut because he found out she was supposedly having an affair, but that's not really a love letter, moreso proof of marital difficulties. He also once supposedly wrote a quick note which went something along the lines of “Home in three days, don’t wash '' but I couldn't find a source that actually confirmed that.
Our next contestant, James Joyce (1882-1941), a famous Irish author, known for works like Dubliners and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. In my heart and soul however I will always know him for this letter to his lover; Nora. As an author, our hero James had a way with words, which he used to great advantage to describe his love of farts. I was just going to include a few quotes but then I thought the letter should really be appreciated in its entirety. It reads as follows
Honestly I feel like I need a cigarette and a stiff drink after reading that one Mr. Joyce does not play around.
Before the rather horrifying end of their relationship, Sex Pistols bass player Sid Vicious wrote the following to his then girlfriend Nancy Spungen:
Not gonna lie, he lacks the poetry of Joyce or even the sheer passion of Napoleon, but I suppose he was mostly a bass player not a lyricist.
Not exactly a letter, but I’m including it anyway. TamponGate. Who could forget the leaked phone call between the current King of England and Not-His-Wife-At-The-Time-Camilla as he expressed his desire to live inside her.
Anyway the point of all of these, (other than them being wildly interesting to me) is to prove how normal it has always been to write to your lover. So why not take the time to text someone sexy in your life?
Funtasia Sexpert and Bibliophile
Verin Sampson
*I’m using the term love letter here pretty loosely, but you get the idea
5 min read
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