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June 09, 2024

Dearest Gentle Reader,

Allow me to introduce you to some of my favourite extracts of historical love letters*, some of which are downright dirty! I could also do so many more, there are enough dirty notes scrawled onto the walls of Pompeii to fill a book (I know this because I have that book) 

Starting with the earliest we have Napoleon Bonaparte, forever in my heart the guy from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, penned many raunchy letters to his wife Josephine.


"You must come back with him, you understand? — hopeless sorrow, inconsolable misery, sadness without end, if I am so unhappy as to see him return alone. Adorable friend, he will see you, he will breathe in your temple; perhaps you will even grant him the unique and perfect favor of kissing your cheek, and I shall be alone and far, far away. But you are coming, aren’t you? You are going to be here beside me, in my arms, on my breast, on my mouth? Take wing and come, come!
A kiss on your heart, and one much lower down, much lower!"
April, 1796
"I am going to bed with my heart full of your adorable image… I cannot wait to give you proofs of my ardent love… How happy I would be if I could assist you at your undressing, the little firm white breast, the adorable face, the hair tied up in a scarf a la creole. You know that I will never forget the little visits, you know,the little black forest… I kiss it a thousand times and wait impatiently for the moment I will be in it. To live within Josephine is to live in the Elysian fields. Kisses on your mouth, your eyes, your breast, everywhere, everywhere."
November 21, 1796


Literally just a few days later he wrote another letter calling her an awful slut because he found out she was supposedly having an affair, but that's not really a love letter, moreso proof of marital difficulties. He also once supposedly wrote a quick note which went something along the lines of “Home in three days, don’t wash '' but I couldn't find a source that actually confirmed that.


Our next contestant, James Joyce (1882-1941), a famous Irish author, known for works like Dubliners and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. In my heart and soul however I will always know him for this letter to his lover; Nora. As an author, our hero James had a way with words, which he used to great advantage to describe his love of farts. I was just going to include a few quotes but then I thought the letter should really be appreciated in its entirety. It reads as follows

“My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, andpulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.
You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your cunt, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a whore’s glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover’s fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth.Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently,then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasilythen I will lick the lips of my darling’s cunt. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your cunt is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.
Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.”


Honestly I feel like I need a cigarette and a stiff drink after reading that one Mr. Joyce does not play around.


Before the rather horrifying end of their relationship, Sex Pistols bass player Sid Vicious wrote the following to his then girlfriend Nancy Spungen:

"What Makes Nancy So Great By Sidney
1 Beautiful 2 Sexy 3 Beautiful figure 4 Great sense of humour 5 Makes extremely interesting conversation 6 Witty 7 Has beautiful eyes 8 Has fab taste in clothes 9 Has the most beautiful wet pussy in the world 10 Even has sexy feet 11 Is extremely smart 12 A great Hustler"

Not gonna lie, he lacks the poetry of Joyce or even the sheer passion of Napoleon, but I suppose he was mostly a bass player not a lyricist.

Not exactly a letter, but I’m including it anyway. TamponGate. Who could forget the leaked phone call between the current King of England and Not-His-Wife-At-The-Time-Camilla as he expressed his desire to live inside her.


CHARLES: Oh stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out . . .
CHARLES: Particularly in and out.
CAMILLA: Oh, that's just what I need at the moment.
CHARLES: Oh, God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
CAMILLA: (laughing) What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? (Both laugh). Oh, you’re going to come back as a pair of knickers.
CHARLES: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
CAMILLA: You are a complete idiot! (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea

Anyway the point of all of these, (other than them being wildly interesting to me) is to prove how normal it has always been to write to your lover. So why not take the time to text someone sexy in your life? 

Funtasia Sexpert and Bibliophile 

Verin Sampson 

*I’m using the term love letter here pretty loosely, but you get the idea 

5 min read

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