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July 30, 2021

How can I make my partner want to have sex more often?
Why doesn't my partner want to have sex?
Why does my partner always want to have sex?
How can I make myself desire sex more?

Mismatched libidos are one of the most common complaints of long-time lovers. But why is this so common? What makes someone lose interest in sex with their partner? Can you make yourself  desire sex more often?

You may also assume that in a heterosexual relationship, the male partner desires sex more often than the female partner. This isn't always the case.

Understanding Mismatched Desire

Desire can be understood as an urgent feeling that motivates a person to seek out sexual satisfaction. That voice in your head (or in your pants) pushes you to initiate intimate touch. You want to feel touch, desire, and experience sexual pleasure. 

For most couples, at the start of their relationship, this comes naturally. For the first six months to a year, things are constantly hot and heavy with very regular sex. 

Then, a little further down the road, things quiet down a little. Before you know it, you'll be speaking to your partner, saying things like "We only have sex once per week!" while your partner may be thinking ", We have sex all the time! Once a week is all the time!" 

Or, for others, your partner may have withdrawn, and you're not having sex at all anymore. Commonly called the "sexless relationship."

Desire discrepancy boils down to thedesired amount of sex compared to theamount of sex you're actually having. 

Where Does the Sex Go?

You may be worried that you're the reason why you and your partner aren't having sex anymore. It is prevalent for people to blame themselves in these situations. The fact of the matter is that there aredozens of reasons why you may be desiring sexless. 

Some of the most common factors are:

  • Availability - Your schedules clash, or you don't have energy at the end of the day
  • Responsibilities - Cleaning the kitchen takes priority or finishing a presentation for your job.
  • Boredom - Real sex is tired sex, but things get monotonous when you're only having tired sex. 
  • "Fusing" - Some couples spend too much time together, and the lines between themselves as individuals get blurred. Too much time together doing the same things can make for a less stimulating relationship. Remember to make time for your hobbies, friends, and interests.

Each couple with mismatched desire will have their reasons why they're having less sex. The big question on your mind is, "how do I fix it?"

Four Steps for Bringing the Sex Back

You and your partner are experiencing difficulties in your sex life. One person is usually always pursuing the other, looking for sexual touch and fulfilment. While the person who is being pursued feels overwhelmed, harassed, and guilty about not experiencing enough sexual desire. 

How do you address it?

1. Talk With Your Partner

Yes, the dreaded sex talk. This one is pretty unavoidable. Pick a place outside of your shared bedroom (or wherever you usually have sex) and turn off your phones.

Engage your best listening skills. You've got two ears and one mouth. Use them proportionally. 

It's time to get honest about a few things:

  • Who do you each think controls the sex in your relationship?
    • The key here is that usually, each person thinks of the other one. The pursuer thinks it's the one who isn't receptive to sex because they're withholding. Meanwhile, the partner who is experiencing lower desire thinks it's the person who is pursuing them.
  • How often does each of you want to have sex?
    • Make this a discussion with the goal of compromise. Setting a realistic plan that you can both feel comfortable with and agree to is critical for getting your needs met. Don't forget that life happens, and usually, the first thing to fall to the wayside is sexual activities. Make it a priority but make it reasonable.
  • How can you try to initiate sex?
    • For some people, voicing that they want sex can cause paralysing fear or anxiety. For others, they expect the other person will get their "vibe." When it boils down to it, people miss messages. Figure out what works for each of you. It could be specific phrases like "let's spend some quality time together" or putting a red scarf on the lounge when your partner gets home. Whatever you feel comfortable doing, ask for it. 
  • How can you politely say "no" without hurting the other person's feelings?
    • Sexual rejection is brutal. Especially when rejection happens repeatedly. However, if one partner isn't in "the mood", they have every right to turn down the pursuing partner. How will you navigate this space? You can try one good idea because whoever isn't in the mood and turns down their partner the first time should have to initiate the next time. Taking turns will help keep things in balance.

2. Schedule Date & Sex Night

Yes, this works! One of the common misconceptions about sex is that it has to be spontaneous to be good. 

Delete that thought. 

As we change and get older, spontaneous desire will happen with less and less frequency. 

By scheduling sex, you can:

  • Relax - The pursuer can look at their calendar and know when they're getting lucky next. The one being pursued can breathe easier knowing that a hug is just a hug. Sex is off the table until your date.
  • Plan - You can make this a night to remember! Getting a babysitter, booking a hotel, buying a new sex toy, or some lingerie can make your date nights more fun. It gives you both the time to put your best foot forward and make the mood right. 
  • Shift the power structure - As Oscar Wilde once said, "Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power." Both of you are probably feeling powerless to your partner's desires outside of the schedule. Once you both agree and commit to scheduled sex, neither of you has more power than the other. 

3. Reinstate Non-sexual Affection

Now that you have sex scheduled try and bring back nonsexual touching. Cuddling together on the couch, holding hands, giving full-body massages, anything that feels good. Touch is one of the most satisfying things in life and can help you rebuild a connection with your partner. 

Now that the pursuer knows that sex is off the table, a touch is just a touch.

Now that the pursued knows that sex is off the table, a touch is just a touch. 

4. Make Sure You're Doing "It" Right

There is no right or wrong way to have sex. However, your vision and your partner's vision may look strikingly different. Now that you've opened up the gateway to talking about sex with step one, this should be a more relaxed discussion to have. 

Women need foreplay. Plain and simple.

Allow for at least twenty minutes of full-body cuddling, massage, and kissing before anyone thinks about touching each other's genitals. Why?

A large percentage of women experienceresponsive desire andcontextual desire rather than anything spontaneous. 

These types of desire mean that being in a sexual situation and experiencing pleasure bring the passion forward. It doesn't just happen in a vacuum.

After your cuddling, take the time to go down on her. Fully stimulate her outer and inner lips long before you move towards her clit. 

If you're having penetrative sex, remember that  75% of women only experience orgasm from clitoral stimulation. So pull out her favourite vibrator! 

Keep having these conversations with your partner. Following up after you have sex and seeing how each of you enjoyed things and what can be improved or changed is a great way for improving the sex you already have. 

If you and your partner struggle with mismatched desires and want some support, get intouch with me on my website today.

Get out there, Get in there, and Get off there!

Elaine S. Turner

Sex Coach, Sexual Wellness Brand Consultant, and Sexuality Educator


6 min read

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