Aftercare 101.

You might have heard the term aftercare thrown around in relation to BDSM,  but what does it mean? It doesn’t just apply in the kink scene, but can and (in my opinion) should be incorporated into everyone's sex lives? This blog explores what aftercare is, why it's important and what it can look like for you. 

Aftercare is to amazing sex what a cooldown routine is to a great workout - a critical component, not an after-thought, and something that everyone benefits from.

Aftercare literally just refers to the process of checking in and being emotionally and physically present with your partner after sex. You’d think that would be standard practice anyway but not always in my experience (if you’re reading this you know who you are…) This can look different for everyone; but broadly speaking that looks like cuddles and affirmations. Maybe cleaning each other up if things get messy, grabbing someone a drink of water or some snacks, in general just looking after each other. 

The science behind it 

Basically during sex your brain gets FLOODED with a delightful cocktail of feel good chemicals. This applies to even the most vanilla sex, but more full on BDSM scenes tend to make even more happy brain juice (which is one of the reasons it's discussed a lot more frequently in a kinky context) Once everything is said and done however, the brain pretty suddenly stops making all the feel good hormones, which can feel pretty bad on a mental/emotional level This crash can show up as sadness, irritability or feeling oddly empty. This is often referred to as drop.

Aftercare looks different for everyone, but cuddling is a pretty common way to go. Cuddling also makes those lovely feel good hormones in the brain (albeit less than sex) so it makes the comedown from the high much more gradual. 

Nowtechnically there's not really any studies that definitively prove the biochemistry of it all, but it is the understanding of pretty much everyone in the Kink community, and quite frankly I’d believe them if they told me the sky was orange. There are studies that definitively prove that Aftercare significantly improves sexual and relationship satisfaction. (Muise, et.al. 2014). So do with that information what you will. 

Ideas to get you started

Since the point of aftercare is to show up for someone in a way that helps them the most, it's absolutely crucial to chat ahead of time about what that person wants/needs after sex. It's not universal, while some people might need to be smothered in hugs and kisses, others might need to be left alone for a bit. That being said: here's a few ideas to get you started. 

• Cuddles and words of affirmation 

• Nice textures and sensory pleasures

  • heated throws, a cool fan or air-con, iced fruit, weighted blanket.

• Grab snacks/drinks together 

• • Having some sugar, some salt, some carbs will keep you feeling delicious for longer and ease your return to earth.

• Cleaning up:

• • Maybe your favourite body wash in the shower or bath, or fresh towels?

  • Helping them out with a damp washcloth if getting up is a bit much 

• Taking some time apart to decompress: 

  • My only caveat to this is its important to still communicate to your partner your care/affection after intimacy.

  • Do NOT finish then not say a word and leave. Not only is it just rude; it can lead to the aforementioned drop effect for everyone involved. 

  • But even an hour of nice quiet time after anything intense can be fantastic. 

In Conclusion  

Aftercare isn’t some fancy BDSM add-on reserved for leather dungeons and safewords – it’s just basic human kindness with a sexy glow-up. It’s how you tell your partner “that was amazing, and you still matter now that the fun bit is over.” Whether that looks like spooning, snacks, a shower together, or giving each other some quiet space, it’s the part that turns good sex into great connection.

So next time you’re done and ready to roll over or reach for your phone, pause. Check in. Grab a glass of water. Say something nice. Your nervous systems (and probably your relationship) will thank you for it.

References

Muise, A., Giang, E., & Impett, E. A. (2014). Post sex affectionate exchanges promote sexual and relationship satisfaction.Archives of sexual behavior,43(7), 1391–1402.https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-014-0305-3